have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
