Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize