I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize