Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
