Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
