You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
