Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
