If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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