Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
