doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
