please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
