When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
