It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
