I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
