No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
