I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
