the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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