Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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