If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
