Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i came on her dog
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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