Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
