I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
