If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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