In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
