i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All I want is dick and wine.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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