he was CRYING into my vagina
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
