god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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