i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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