I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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