I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
