thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
