when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
