I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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