I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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