first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
