i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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