i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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