So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize