Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Randomize
