I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
