mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
