She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
zippers are such a cool invention
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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