so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
