she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A bitchslap is in order.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize