Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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