I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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