It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
