You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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