I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
