I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
