Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
