I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can't motorboat a personality
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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