So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
