How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
