I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
