i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
