She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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