when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
