Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
