How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
