The maid of honor just puked.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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