Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
