so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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