seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
