YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize