her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
