i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize