i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
