there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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