Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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