I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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