I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
