So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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