You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
