Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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