I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
