jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
