update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
